


Humanity

by Constellalune



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Artist Kieran White, Gen, He also needs a hug, He is the most talented being, Kierans thoughts, Kikis art, Light Angst, Purple Hyacinth, Sad, angstish, hes trying so hard it makes me so sad, i dont know what to tag anymore but eh, its sad but i kinda like this one, kieran white - Freeform, kiki is a soft boi, soft, yeah its angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:46:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25845274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constellalune/pseuds/Constellalune
Summary: Yes. Yes, I have. And I will cling onto those moments because even though I am and will always be a monster; there are remnants of my humanity like asteroids and meteorites lingering in the galaxy and the faint yet fond memories of your mother who passed. Yes, my humanity is still there, and it shall continue to remain for it is something too precious to be lost.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> I actually kinda like this one, surprisingly.  
> enJoY;)

Kieran sits at his desk and sighs. Looking down at his drawings, he clenches onto his pencil and the other hand rests on his forehead, massaging it. He slumps back and looks around the room his eyes landing on the picture of the crimson haired woman. He smiles at it and his heart feels heavy like as if it were carrying the world by itself. 

He remembers the lines his younger self spoke, 

_"Kieran? Why are you always drawing?”_

_“Well, have you ever felt that tingle of warmth…when you see those subtle moments in life that remind you, humanity can be so beautiful?” He smiles and looks down at his sketchpad. Looking back up, he continues, “I draw them so I can keep it. This sense of humanity… I don’t ever want to lose it.”_

He tsk-s and runs a hand through his hair and laughs lowly. He didn’t keep to that vow, did he? He did not. He turns back to the picture of the one person; the one person who had made him feel human in _years_ , the one person who could’ve ever seen him as human and he ruined it. Ironic, isn’t it? The one person who saw him as human calls him a monster.

Kieran clenches his teeth, trying to push away the feeling of disappointment, hate, guilt but the more he pushed it away, the more it haunted him. How disappointed his younger self would be with him. He _hated_ himself for it, for hurting people, for hurting _her_. 

But that is just what a monster does, is it not? Monsters hurt people and that is exactly what he does. He breaks them and rips them apart; removes all sort of light that could’ve ever illuminated their life. He robbed them of their stars, but the stars never lit up his own life. How ironic.

He believed, he _believes_ he is a monster, but. But, he also knows that those subtle little moments in life; starting from not killing Lauren to making her smile, giving the little children money and making them smile and laugh as they thank him for being so generous.

_“Have you ever felt that tingle of warmth…when you see those subtle moments in life that remind you, humanity can be so beautiful?”_

_Yes. Yes, I have. And I will cling onto those moments because even though I am and will always be a monster; there are remnants of my humanity like asteroids and meteorites lingering in the galaxy and the faint yet fond memories of your mother who passed. Yes, my humanity is still there, and it shall continue to remain for it is something too precious to be lost._

He looks at the drawings that sat on his walls. Every subtle small moment of humanity he witnessed; he drew it because he had to hold onto it; desperately cling onto it. Every moment he made another _human_ happy, he would draw because that, that was humanity. 

The qualities of _human_. Simple acts of kindness starting from making one smile to giving one a few pennies.

But he could never make himself happy, no. Kieran sighs, wishfully, lost in a reverie.

_If only, if only I could be like the moon. Shining alone even in the darkest of times; pleased and content with itself, independent and self-sufficient. Of course, I am independent but…but I cannot make myself happy. I don’t have the power to do that. I am darkness, nothing more. How does darkness make itself happy?_

_I suppose that question would go unanswered_.

He lightly presses the pencil on the paper and his hand flows gracefully like a ballerina on a stage, telling it’s story. The charcoal like a river of never-ending thoughts and emotions; feelings that have been bottled up for so long, _so_ long for when you are a monster as such, you are alone. You have to survive on your own.

But this monster was none like the others. He was the devil who fell in love. The devil who broke the rules but at that moment he did not care for he was feeling, he is _feeling_ , and he is no longer a monster but a boy, a man.

Soon Kieran was smiling widely at the sketch that sat in front of him. No, not Lauren, not his parents nor his best friend. It was not the little children who ran back home giggling or the man who held onto his wife, protectively and lovingly.

It was him.

The monster. The man.

And he is drawing.

He is doing the one thing that makes him human once again. The one thing that brings out his humanity, the one thing that makes him… _happy._

Kieran stands up, leaving the room behind. The room that was scattered with papers, pencils, charcoal and sketchbooks. Piles and piles of stories, hurt, pain and anger, everything put into paper, the graphite dancing on it. Every single time he was losing his humanity, another sketch sat on the pile. And in the eyes of an outsider, he was the monster who seemed to be one passionate about art but no, to the one with knowledge of the truth, he was just another scared little boy- _human_ afraid of losing, slipping into darkness, a pit, an abyss and never get out. He was just a broken, broken boy desperately in need of love but did not think he deserved it because he was a monster and-

_No. No. I can be human. I will be human. Because this kind of humanity… it is something I don’t want to lose. It will be something I will not lose._

He smiles, a genuine one, not one like when you smile in a photograph nor one of humor or mock. It was the kind of smile which makes his ocean eyes shine- like the moon. It was the smile which you give when you see the flowers bloom in spring and the birds that sing along to the sweetest melodies. The smile you give when you see as the little snowflakes fall on the button noses of children and the love you see in a lovers eyes. That was his smile, one he had not smiled in what felt like decades.

“I feel human again.” He looks down at his hands and whispers, “I _am_ human.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated^3^  
> I had fun writing this, honestly. Whatever I wrote was what I personally thought Kieran thinks. I was a little confused because he truly does believe that he is a monster but then he draws to hold onto his humanity. Which means he _does_ think there's a human side in him and there really is hope.  
> OKAY IDK REALLY, THIS EPISODE BROKE ME AND MY HANDS WERE ITCHHIIIINNGGG TO WRITE SO YEAH


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